If it's easy to give gifts, then it's not always the way. I want your time, appreciation. Gifts are great but it's the little things that mean the most. I wish he understood that...

New Years Eve in Atlantic City. It's been so long since we danced on the beach with those chaotic city lights on our backs.

I can't wait to be reunited.

Stupid guilty smiles and lame excuses.

Damn my inability to hold a grudge. Can't you just let me stay mad for once? Guess not. I never was one for being angry longer then a day. I'm a constant change of extremes. No wonder I never could keep a relationship, who the hell can keep up with me? I'm definitely not easy to figure out. But the only one that's worth me is the one to succeed.

They always did call me a tease. Even Middle School sucked with all that fun girl gossip. But bitches, let me let you in on a secret. It's not being a tease, it's not being able to find one to meet my exceptionally high standards. Have fun in this small town mediocre life forever, i'm not trapping myself with some peaked in high school loser. 

Definitely time for a vacation. Things have gotten a little to repetitious, i'm on the verge of exploding every second. 

I

"The time has come for colds and overcoats. We're quiet on the ride, we're all just waiting to get home. Another week away, my greatest fear. I need the smell of summer, I need its noises in my ears. If looks could really kill, then my profession would be staring. Please know we do this cause we care and not for the thrill. Collect calls to home to tell them that I realize that everyone who lives will someday die and die alone."

- Brand New

I'm nothing extraordinary. I feel and think like every other human in exsistence. But I have my own mind. I have thoughts, that when spoken, force you to pause. Trying to silence me is anyones greatest mistake.

I'm outspoken when the moment calls for passion. A chaotic combination of conviction and emotion. The kind that can cause a shift in the seat or an uprisal of emotion. The kind you can hate but not ignore.

I wasn't made for this world. I can't make the changes I want. I'm being forced to be content as a wanderer and i'm frustrated and restless. But I have my heart and with every beat I know its one second closer to the end for a new begining to arise.

With a smile, I told them I was with him, and continued in bliss.

I adore Halloween. I've had a purely adventerous one every year and I plan on maintaining such status.

I'll be seeing Wyld Stallyns play, which means seeing Bryce and...Joel. Potentially awkward with the whole haven't seen you in three years since we broke up situation, but all will be fine thanks to great male friends that insist on accompanying me. Plus I can't ditch out on my drum teacher. You'd think taking lessons from Joel's best friend and current roommate would commense in that dreaded run in. But i've skilllfully avoided it until tonight.


I should have broken that stupid mix three years ago. Would have made all the difference in getting over him. At least I don't feel nauseous everytime I hear his name. That's true progress if you ask me. It's insane how easily a guy can break you in just a few short minutes. Stupid, stupid being a girl. Certainly he never meant to hurt me but oh well he did and i'm maintaining a little grudge over it. Blaming him makes liking him a little bit harder. Which is good when it's referring to something you can't have. Actually that's probably why i'm having such a hard time getting over him. I always want what I can't have. I adore a good challenge. Stupid me and my stupid obsessions. Luckily Gabe is easy to like just as much. And his constant working makes him a constant challenge. Yay for perfect relationship! This probably sounds awful to anyone else. But it's that fear of committment I can't get over. But we all have our flaws and mine may be weird, but honestly can you really talk?

Didn't think so. Maybe we shouldn't judge so harshly we all have our little things. Yours is just as bad as mine, maybe worse. At least i'm not killing anyone.

Wine and Kayleigh made an excellent weekend. Sometimes I need exposure to purely girl things. Canada in February. I miss them so much.

I'm My Own Destruction.

I hate that I can be vulnerable. The word just sounds weak. 

If we are vulnerable are we destined to lose, or to give in? I just want things to be right. But if i'm weak I feel like accomplishing that is a lost cause. There are moments when I feel like I did back then.

They keep coming back more and more frequently. Some would say then was my biggest mistake, i'd say then was when I felt alive. Truly, painfully, deliciously alive. I don't regret what I did. I only really regret it was such a short chapter in my life. I'm letting society mold me. I'm beginning to despise everything I have become. I'm so torn lately. Part of me is happy. But another part is slipping through. That small part of rebellious individualism none of them ever could understand that I had once embraced so fully. That small part hates how vulnerable i've become, but the rest of me knows at some time I have to grow up. That's how life works. Or is that just what society says should happen? Can I deny it and be free forever? When does youth stop being a justification? When is youth no longer there? I think your age can be old but you can still attain youth. It all depends on the individual. I just don't know what I want. That's the basis of my problem. I never know what I want because if I did, i'd probably want something else. Damn my insistence of remaining complicated. 

The prospect of seeing him in just a few short weeks is playing with my emotions. Funny how well a figure from your past can have this concrete hold on part of you no matter how long it's been. All those nights are embedded in my mind, clips to the soundtrack of that year. There's nothing like getting caught off guard to a song that reminds you of someone you've tried so hard to erase. Every kiss is perfectly reserved in my mind, especially that first one. Every simple detail about it I haven't forgot. I hate that I will never be fully over the one who broke my heart, I hate that until now I haven't been able to let anyone else close enough to do it again. I hate that even if I say I am, I know that even now i'm afraid of giving everything to this relationship. I need reassurance. If he could say it was forever with meaning dripping from his soft voice and then end it, anyone can. I can't handle another 6 months of crying every night. I can't handle the stupid once every three months catch up email. It's like he has no idea how much of a hold he had on me.

Please for once let me find the reassurance I need to make this as real as before. Please let this be real right now. Because it feels so real, i'm beginning to feel real. The streets at night in solitude don't hold the same call. Keep it that way, let me have this new, wonderful distraction. I want this to be the reason I lost what I had before. I want this to be true. Release me from this need I have of those memories. Let this be what he patronizingly claimed to leave me for. Prove me wrong. Prove that the past wasn't it. That what I have now is more true then what hurt me. I'm sick of hurting. Time doesn't heal. It's been years and i'm not fully healed. Time may allow you chances to move on, but healing has nothing to do with time. Because wounds are easily opened. Because I can still cry from the memories. Because time didn't cheapen them or make what happened any less significant. Because behind the smiles and the good times, there's still hurt. I can't see any more time taking that away. Until I find someone to do that for me, if there's someone who's strong enough, I will remain somewhat at his will not mine. I'm feeling, hoping, and seeing that maybe, just maybe, this time i've found it.

Believe

I believe that true beauty, is confidence and a full embracing of one's flaws.

I believe that a smile truly is contagious.

I believe that friends are an asset to life.

I believe that you can't do everything on your own.

I believe that recognizing you're weak is one of your strongest moments.

I believe the eyes are the windows to the soul.

I believe in looking past the exterior.

I believe in walking in someone else's shoes.

I believe even the dull have their stories.

I believe in listening, not just hearing.

I believe in the sparks of a kiss.

I believe in second chances.

I believe knowledge can be misleading.

I believe society is not always right.

I believe in the individuals.

I believe hurting gives you strength.

I believe time mends, but doesn't erase.

I believe in wishes, dreams, and hopes.

I belive in believing.

9/22/08

Our greatest prejudice is against death. It spans age, gender and race. We spend immeasurable amounts of energy fighting an event that will eventually triumph. Though it is noble not to give in easily, the most alive people I’ve ever met are those who embrace their death. They love, laugh and live more fully.
-- Andy Webster
Hospice chaplain in Plymouth, Michigan.


I have learned to not fear the inevitable. It is a well practiced waste of time.

We worry so much on things that can never change, that in the end we have burdened ourselves useless.

We are the lead cause of our

irritibility
anxiousity
depression
nervousness
and altogether our general displeasure with ourselves and our enviroment.

So I challenge you to put aside what you can not change. Embrace it and do not let thoughts of it consume you. Be at peace with yourself and in that discover bliss.

No, this is not applause for predestination. There are some things that are designed to happen no matter who you are, your occupation, your race, or your philosophy. They are written in nature and have been so since creation. If you know you can't change them why concern yourself with them? Why become your own limited boundary?

The challenge stands.

The results are gold

Daphne Loves Derby (and i'm still afraid of love, while they sing me into spilling)

"I'm desperate to say now 

I need you now more than ever,
But all I could say was goodnight."

I'm holding on to this moment

you keep dangling in front of me 

Maybe in forever it will finally be better

but tonight you're all that I can see

you can say it's true

and i'll hope the lie is not there

i'm just afraid that i'm fooling my mind, 

just blinding my eyes

pretending it's more then you want it to be

try and be true, to let real feelings through

please take another piece of me

so much is already missing

i'm really trying to give you everything

but it's so hard when i'm not all there

and it's not like other guys haven't told me they meant everything they said

I'm at a point where I can't tell between the fakers and the genuine

because no one has ever been genuine

I'm a bitch, I have trust issues, can you truly handle me?

I'm all for taking a chance

but am I ready to take the risk that could take it all?

"Sleep well darling"

This Is Me Not You

We all make stupid decisions. Somewhere, written in our genes it reads that one has to make at least one dumb, unexplainable choice at some point in their lives. Most of us tend to excel at this and make them constantly, all the time, whenever they have a chance to.

That's me.

I just love making mistakes. Or so you'de think by the amount I produce.

Looking into my past I can pick out every wrong decision i've ever made, but I wouldn't take them back.

Every wrong choice has made me who I am now. I'm stronger for them and i've experienced a lot through them. So others can feel free to judge what I've done, do, and will do. But I honestly don't care. Mistakes make a person, and if you haven't made them then you're a


FAKE

I'm not afraid to live life for every moment. I'm not afraid to give out chances.
I'm afraid of missing out.
losing out.
missing you.
dying before I got the chance
i'm afraid i'll never get to see the smallest parts of the world. Hidden away with lost cultures and beautiful minds with new ideas.
I'm Afraid i'll be stuck in this smalltown forever. Destined to a mediocre death.

Lost in my Head

“So I fall.
I don't wanna feel this small.
You know I just can't handle this,
handle
this at all.
And so I

f
a
l
l

I let my heartbeat drop.
I falter as the music stops.

And you watch me as I stall,

And wonder when I fall...”

-Something Corporate

I'm not used to someone else, an outsider, a well known stranger, having this much control of my emotions.

I hate feeling and I hate admitting he has such a domineering affect.

And yet i'm addicted to it. And I don't want to remember what life was like before it. And i'm not willing to let it go.

And yet I adverse it.

I'm confused.

and i'm not sure I ever want to be burdened with clarity again.

Experience is one of the best teachers. And the more I take this into consideration the better student I become. Sometimes, instead of immediately trying to solve we need to step back and learn, something not in our nature to do. Instinct says go, but life requires the occasional pause. When we don't pause and take that extra time to reflect we end up overwhelming ourselves andtorturing our minds. We are more beneficial to ourselves when we let life be the driver and are content sitting the back looking out the window.

"It's Hard to Ignore it feels Like Summer all the Time"

The wedding is next week. I'm trying hard to see it as gaining a friend instead of losing one but things just aren't the same.

When did we grow up? I want it to stop.

Sort of. I guess it has some perks but it is definitely more complicated. I like complicated but I will admit I miss some childhood adventures.

No one plays in the mud anymore.

I tried once. Maybe a year ago. But making a mud pie for yourself when your 18 doesn't obtain the magic of before.

I miss him already. He's only been gone a day and it's not like he won't come back. Maybe i'm afraid while he's gone he'll have time to think and realize how crazy it is to be with me. It's not like i'm easy to deal with. In fact I can be a psychotic and total bitch. I don't think he's seen that yet. Here's hoping he can handle me.

Maybe if I knew what I wanted. I never know. I can't decide. Desicions are so definite, and definite is forever and that is a whole mess of repitition.

But right now i'm pretty sure I just want him. Cause it's been awhile and i'm not running away and i'm still happy despite everything. Things aren't perfect and i'm ok. The complications are nothing compared to this new feeling i've just started to know.

"I'm making plans not to make plans while I'm here And this life has been no holiday, a complicated situation I'm fine with all my memories "

"And time, time it stops for no one The seasons come and go and that's just time Yeah time it stops for no one The seasons keep on going Whether or not we're blind And time, time it stops for no one The seasons come and go and that's just time Yeah time it stops for no one The seasons keep on going Whether or not we're blind" -Jack's Mannequin


Is summer really over?

Tired

I am a the point of sleepiness where you're not actually functioning.

I've let instincts take over and i'm depending on them to get me through school, then work.

Complete zombie zone.

I like him enough though that the lack of sleep is worth it. He makes me


Smile

Alot, whenever I see him, when I hear from him, or my phone vibrates. Badsically all the time.

And this time i'm not scared of my feelings. No more running away. At least not yet. I'm hoping and praying it doesn't end like every other time. Please let me have just this.

For once I don't want to be the reason I lost it.

Why

As soon as things get repetitive the frustration begins.

Most people hate change. They worry about how the differences will affect everything they're used to.

I can not find any comfort in things remaining the way they are forever.

It scares me.

Frightens, Tortures,
Teases, and
Overwhelms my thoughts
completely.

I find i'm always looking for an adventure, just to fight falling into that boring lull of everyday life. Sometimes I notice this doesn't always have beneficial results. But even if it sucks it's still something



Different

Anais Nin:
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.