If we are vulnerable are we destined to lose, or to give in? I just want things to be right. But if i'm weak I feel like accomplishing that is a lost cause. There are moments when I feel like I did back then.
They keep coming back more and more frequently. Some would say then was my biggest mistake, i'd say then was when I felt alive. Truly, painfully, deliciously alive. I don't regret what I did. I only really regret it was such a short chapter in my life. I'm letting society mold me. I'm beginning to despise everything I have become. I'm so torn lately. Part of me is happy. But another part is slipping through. That small part of rebellious individualism none of them ever could understand that I had once embraced so fully. That small part hates how vulnerable i've become, but the rest of me knows at some time I have to grow up. That's how life works. Or is that just what society says should happen? Can I deny it and be free forever? When does youth stop being a justification? When is youth no longer there? I think your age can be old but you can still attain youth. It all depends on the individual. I just don't know what I want. That's the basis of my problem. I never know what I want because if I did, i'd probably want something else. Damn my insistence of remaining complicated.
The prospect of seeing him in just a few short weeks is playing with my emotions. Funny how well a figure from your past can have this concrete hold on part of you no matter how long it's been. All those nights are embedded in my mind, clips to the soundtrack of that year. There's nothing like getting caught off guard to a song that reminds you of someone you've tried so hard to erase. Every kiss is perfectly reserved in my mind, especially that first one. Every simple detail about it I haven't forgot. I hate that I will never be fully over the one who broke my heart, I hate that until now I haven't been able to let anyone else close enough to do it again. I hate that even if I say I am, I know that even now i'm afraid of giving everything to this relationship. I need reassurance. If he could say it was forever with meaning dripping from his soft voice and then end it, anyone can. I can't handle another 6 months of crying every night. I can't handle the stupid once every three months catch up email. It's like he has no idea how much of a hold he had on me.
Please for once let me find the reassurance I need to make this as real as before. Please let this be real right now. Because it feels so real, i'm beginning to feel real. The streets at night in solitude don't hold the same call. Keep it that way, let me have this new, wonderful distraction. I want this to be the reason I lost what I had before. I want this to be true. Release me from this need I have of those memories. Let this be what he patronizingly claimed to leave me for. Prove me wrong. Prove that the past wasn't it. That what I have now is more true then what hurt me. I'm sick of hurting. Time doesn't heal. It's been years and i'm not fully healed. Time may allow you chances to move on, but healing has nothing to do with time. Because wounds are easily opened. Because I can still cry from the memories. Because time didn't cheapen them or make what happened any less significant. Because behind the smiles and the good times, there's still hurt. I can't see any more time taking that away. Until I find someone to do that for me, if there's someone who's strong enough, I will remain somewhat at his will not mine. I'm feeling, hoping, and seeing that maybe, just maybe, this time i've found it.
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