I adore Halloween. I've had a purely adventerous one every year and I plan on maintaining such status.

I'll be seeing Wyld Stallyns play, which means seeing Bryce and...Joel. Potentially awkward with the whole haven't seen you in three years since we broke up situation, but all will be fine thanks to great male friends that insist on accompanying me. Plus I can't ditch out on my drum teacher. You'd think taking lessons from Joel's best friend and current roommate would commense in that dreaded run in. But i've skilllfully avoided it until tonight.


I should have broken that stupid mix three years ago. Would have made all the difference in getting over him. At least I don't feel nauseous everytime I hear his name. That's true progress if you ask me. It's insane how easily a guy can break you in just a few short minutes. Stupid, stupid being a girl. Certainly he never meant to hurt me but oh well he did and i'm maintaining a little grudge over it. Blaming him makes liking him a little bit harder. Which is good when it's referring to something you can't have. Actually that's probably why i'm having such a hard time getting over him. I always want what I can't have. I adore a good challenge. Stupid me and my stupid obsessions. Luckily Gabe is easy to like just as much. And his constant working makes him a constant challenge. Yay for perfect relationship! This probably sounds awful to anyone else. But it's that fear of committment I can't get over. But we all have our flaws and mine may be weird, but honestly can you really talk?

Didn't think so. Maybe we shouldn't judge so harshly we all have our little things. Yours is just as bad as mine, maybe worse. At least i'm not killing anyone.

Wine and Kayleigh made an excellent weekend. Sometimes I need exposure to purely girl things. Canada in February. I miss them so much.

I'm My Own Destruction.

I hate that I can be vulnerable. The word just sounds weak. 

If we are vulnerable are we destined to lose, or to give in? I just want things to be right. But if i'm weak I feel like accomplishing that is a lost cause. There are moments when I feel like I did back then.

They keep coming back more and more frequently. Some would say then was my biggest mistake, i'd say then was when I felt alive. Truly, painfully, deliciously alive. I don't regret what I did. I only really regret it was such a short chapter in my life. I'm letting society mold me. I'm beginning to despise everything I have become. I'm so torn lately. Part of me is happy. But another part is slipping through. That small part of rebellious individualism none of them ever could understand that I had once embraced so fully. That small part hates how vulnerable i've become, but the rest of me knows at some time I have to grow up. That's how life works. Or is that just what society says should happen? Can I deny it and be free forever? When does youth stop being a justification? When is youth no longer there? I think your age can be old but you can still attain youth. It all depends on the individual. I just don't know what I want. That's the basis of my problem. I never know what I want because if I did, i'd probably want something else. Damn my insistence of remaining complicated. 

The prospect of seeing him in just a few short weeks is playing with my emotions. Funny how well a figure from your past can have this concrete hold on part of you no matter how long it's been. All those nights are embedded in my mind, clips to the soundtrack of that year. There's nothing like getting caught off guard to a song that reminds you of someone you've tried so hard to erase. Every kiss is perfectly reserved in my mind, especially that first one. Every simple detail about it I haven't forgot. I hate that I will never be fully over the one who broke my heart, I hate that until now I haven't been able to let anyone else close enough to do it again. I hate that even if I say I am, I know that even now i'm afraid of giving everything to this relationship. I need reassurance. If he could say it was forever with meaning dripping from his soft voice and then end it, anyone can. I can't handle another 6 months of crying every night. I can't handle the stupid once every three months catch up email. It's like he has no idea how much of a hold he had on me.

Please for once let me find the reassurance I need to make this as real as before. Please let this be real right now. Because it feels so real, i'm beginning to feel real. The streets at night in solitude don't hold the same call. Keep it that way, let me have this new, wonderful distraction. I want this to be the reason I lost what I had before. I want this to be true. Release me from this need I have of those memories. Let this be what he patronizingly claimed to leave me for. Prove me wrong. Prove that the past wasn't it. That what I have now is more true then what hurt me. I'm sick of hurting. Time doesn't heal. It's been years and i'm not fully healed. Time may allow you chances to move on, but healing has nothing to do with time. Because wounds are easily opened. Because I can still cry from the memories. Because time didn't cheapen them or make what happened any less significant. Because behind the smiles and the good times, there's still hurt. I can't see any more time taking that away. Until I find someone to do that for me, if there's someone who's strong enough, I will remain somewhat at his will not mine. I'm feeling, hoping, and seeing that maybe, just maybe, this time i've found it.