There isn't a feeling in the world that can match the torment of knowing that no matter what, you will never be good enough.

Sometimes I find that I still don' fully understand all these things that I feel. It's like my emotions are there, but the lack of control I have over them has me unable to believe them. It appears that to everyone around me i'm in love. Maybe I am, but i'm holding it at bay. He's sweet and means so much to me, but it feels as if he's not fully in this. There have been too many times where i've been disappointed. Apologies are fine but only if they aren't necessary every week. I hate feeling like i'm second to something or someone else. If it's love then I want to be  first. I know I sound selfish, but for once in my life I want a guy who really understands me and all my complications and I want him to fight for me. I don't want to be a last minute thought or add on to your plans. I want to be in your mind all the time, I want you to be there for me, to choose me over work or your brother.  I want to be more then a once a week obligation. I refuse to be in unrequited love. That's bullshit. That's why I'm not in love yet. People should stop telling me how to feel. I will not allow myself to fall in love with anyone who hasn't proven they're willing to do what it takes for me. That's only happened once and it hurt and I will not allow it to happen ever again. I'm afraid of all these stupid emotions. I hate them, and yet this tiny piece of me, bigger then I want to admit, raves it so much. I want someone willing to make sacrifices for me. Until I know they can i'm completely unable to open myself to all this stuff I want to feel and be so much. I don't think he's ready, he acts like he's not constantly. I can't be ready until I know he is...

Things have changed, as they do, as they will continue to do. Life has always handed me petty drama, fake smiles and complications beyond my ability to fathom. But all that bitterness is the refuge of the jealous and the angry, much like these words are the refuge of my cluttered mind. The need to vent is one of grand porportion and I don't mind being that outlet.

I'm teeming with intrigue and careening through your jealousy, oh how the faint hearted long to be me